The Scooby Doo Files
by Jason Gaston
Summary: Mulder, Scully, and the Scooby-Doo gang join forces in the first Scooby Doo/X-Files crossover since the last one!!!


The Scooby-Doo Files 

Years ago, there was a popular Saturday morning cartoon called, "The New Scooby Doo Movies. Perhaps you remember them. Scooby, along with Fred, Thelma, Daphnie, and Shaggy would be cruising around in the countryside minding their own business when suddenly they would meet famous people from the 70's and late 60's (Dick Van Dyke, The Harlem Globetrotters, Batman and Robin...ect...ect...), find a mystery and solve it amid hijinks and hilarity. It was a dumb idea, but for some reason, "The New Scooby Doo Movies" continue to run in syndication to this very day! Well, not to miss the boat, FOX television bought the rights to Scooby Doo from Hanna Barbara and has begun production on "The New New Scooby Doo Movies" in an attempt to bring Scooby Doo into the 90's in a way "A Pup Named Scooby Doo" never really had a chance to. In this new series, with the addition of the Yoko Ono of cartoons, Scrappy Doo, the gang would be cruising around the country minding their own business when they would meet famous people from the 90's or late 80's, find a mystery, and solve it amid hilarity and hijinks! Slated to begin next spring, the guest line-up so far includes The Tick, The Mighty Morphing Power Rangers, The Sliders, The Bundys, The Simpsons, and a special treat for the premier episode! Now, me with all of my connections, happened to obtain a copy of the pilot to "The New New Scooby Doo Movies" which I am posting to the net dispite repeated threats from FOX. Read it now, because it may not be here tomorrow! 
    
    
    THE NEW NEW SCOOBY DOO MOVIES
    "The Scooby-Doo Files"
    By Jason Gaston and Chris Carter
    [The Mystery Machine cruises through the countryside minding it's own
    business.]
    SHAGGY: Gee Scoob, it sure is nice to be out in the countryside minding
    our own business, huh?
    SCOOBY: Rea! Rea!
    FRED: You guys are going to love my uncle George... he's the greatest!
    SCRAPPY: I'm sure we will! Won't we uncle Scooby?
    SCOOBY: Quiet you!
    DAPHNIE: The house should be just around this corner.
    THELMA: I wonder what all of the police cars are doing there.
    [The Mystery Machine pulls up the driveway. It is greeted by a pair in
    trenchcoats]
    THELMA: Look! It's agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully from TV's X-
    Files (Sundays at 9:00, 8:00 central on FOX)
    MULDER: Fox Mulder, FBI... This is a restricted area.
    FRED: Restricted!? But... But... This is my Uncle George's house!
    SCULLY: He's a relative Mulder, we'd better let him through.
    FRED: What's happened here?
    MULDER: There was a UFO sighting at approximately 9:45pm last
    night. When a neighbor got to your uncle's home, they found him
    badly burned in a puddle of his own vomit. He's at Clarkstown
    Hospital in Jonestown.
    FRED: Is he going to make it?
    MULDER: We don't know. I've instructed the doctors to call me if there's
    any change. [Mulder's phone rings] Hello? ... Uh-huh. .... Uh-
    huh...Well, that's good. Good to hear. Fine, thanks doc! Let me
    know if his condition changes! [hangs up phone]
    FRED: Well?
    MULDER: He's dead.
    FRED: I can't believe it! Uncle George is dead!
    SCOOBY: Read?
    FRED: How DARE you call my dead uncle a communist! Take that!
    [kicks Scooby]
    SCRAPPY: You can't do that to my Uncle Scooby! Let me at 'em! I'll
    splat 'em!
    SCULLY: We're very sorry. If there's anything we can do to help...
    FRED: Let us join the investigation!
    MULDER: You?
    FRED: Yeah, us! What's wrong with us?
    SCULLY: Well, for one thing, you drive around in the country moving
    from rich relative to rich relative in a beat up green van. You and
    that Daphnie girl are dressed like porno stars, your friend over
    there looks like a drug addict, and you talk to a pair of really ugly
    dogs!
    SCOOBY: Ro mama!
    MULDER: We're professionals and frankly, you'd all get in the way.
    SHAGGY: Like, come on! We've been solving mysteries for over
    twenty-five years!
    THELMA: Yeah! Give us a chance!
    SCRAPPY: Let's splat 'em! [Fred kicks scrappy away]
    SCULLY: I don't know...
    GANG: Pleeeeeeease!
    MULDER: Oh, all right
    GANG: Yeaaaaaah!
    MULDER: The first thing we should do is interview the man who found
    your uncle's body.
    [Later... at Farmer Joe's]
    JOE: It was a bright bright light. When I got to George's place, he wa
    lying on the ground... burned to a crisp!
    MULDER: Sounds like a classic case of alien abduction.
    SCULLY: How so?
    MULDER: The aliens kidnap people, do all sorts of weird sexual
    experiments on them, drop them off, and then incinerate them so
    they won't talk.
    SCOOBY: Rolley Rit!
    SHAGGY: Like, you said it Scoob!
    THELMA: My glasses! I've lost my glasses!
    JOE: Here they are little lady. Let me clean them for you.
    MULDER: Have you noticed anything odd in the area lately.
    JOE: No... not unless you count the phantom mailman!
    ALL: THE PHANTOM MAILMAN!?
    JOE: Is there an echo in here? YES! The Phantom Mailman! He was
    killed nigh on thirty years ago the same way your uncle George
    was! I tell you, the killing of George was the vengeance of the
    PHANTOM MAILMAN!!!
    SCRAPPY: No Phantom mailman can scare my Uncle Scooby! Right?
    Uncle Scooby?
    SHAGGY: [holding Scooby, shivering] F-F-F-Phantom M-M-
    Mailman!?
    [LATER... AT GEORGE'S HOUSE]
    FRED: Here, let me unlock the door. Mulder and Scully, you're welcome
    to stay here for the night.
    SCULLY: Thanks kid... We're beat. I just want to lie down and...
    PHANTOM MAILMAN: BLAHHHHHH!!!
    ALL: THE PHANTOM MAILMAN!!!!!
    FRED: RUN!!!
    [As the gang runs, "Signed, Sealed, and Delivered" by the Temptations
    begins to play. Shaggy, Scooby, Scrappy, and Mulder escape the Phantom
    Mailman by putting on dresses and dancing in a New Orleans-Style
    Chorus line. The others eventually hide in a closet until the coast is clear]
    SCULLY: Is he gone?
    DAPHNIE: The music's stopped. The chase MUST be over.
    SCULLY: Mudler, what are you doing in a dress?
    MULDER: Long story. Ask later.
    THELMA: Jenkies!
    SCOOBY: Relma said renkies!
    SHAGGY: It, like, must be a clue!
    MULDER: What is it?
    THELMA: This football jersey in the closet belongs to Freetown College!
    FRED: That's where Uncle George used to go... but... he didn't play
    football! He was a member of the dungeons and dragons club!
    SCULLY: The Dungeons and Dra-- HAH! What a geek!
    FRED: We have to go to Freetown college and find out where this jersey
    came from!
    MULDER: That's pretty circumstantial evidence to go on.
    FRED: Do you have a better idea?
    [Freetown College... Athletic dept.]
    MULDER: Coach Hiller, do you know a man named George O'Malley?
    HILLER: No, can't say I do. Say, could you hand me that box?
    DAPHNIE: Sure. [picks up box] What's in it?
    HILLER: Dirty Jock Straps.
    DAPHNIE: [drops box] Ewwww!
    MULDER: This is getting us nowhere!
    PHANTOM: Graaaaaar!!!
    HILLER: Oh no, not him again!
    SCOOBY: Rim again?
    HILLER: Oh cool! A talking dog!
    FRED: What do you mean, "him again"?
    HILLER: The dog can talk! That's excellent!
    FRED: HILLER!
    HILLER: What!? Oh! That damned Phantom's been terrorizing the
    college for weeks! I don't know what he wants!
    FRED: I have a plan.
    SCOOBY: Ro boy!
    [later...]
    FRED: Here's the plan. Shaggy and Scooby will lure the Phantom
    Mailman down this hallway until they reach this X on the ground
    at which point Daphine will cut the rope and send the cage
    crashing down onto all three. Scooby and Shaggy will run out of
    the cage while Scrappy slams the door, thus trapping the Phantom
    Mailman!
    SCULLY: You know, this just might work!
    MULDER: Please Scully.
    SCULLY: I'm serious! I wish we'd thought of this when we had that
    giant flukeworn running around in the sewers!
    FRED: Everybody ready?
    SHAGGY: Like, there isn't any way you're getting Scooby and me to get
    that ghost to chase us!
    SCOOBY: Ruh-uh! Ruh-uh!
    DAPHNIE: Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?
    SCOOBY AND SHAGGY: Nope!
    DAPHNIE: Two Scooby Snacks?
    SCOOBY AND SHAGGY: No Way!
    DAPHNIE: Three Scooby Snacks!?
    SCOOBY AND SHAGGY: Uhhhhhhh...
    DAPHNIE: Four?
    SCOOBY AND SHAGGY: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
    [Scooby and Shaggy eat the Scooby Snacks and jet down the hallway
    looking for the phantom]
    MULDER: What's in those Scooby Snacks anyway?
    DAPHNIE: Cocaine.
    MULDER: Oh...
    SGAGGY: Scoob, we've got to kick this Scooby Snack habit of ours.
    SCOOBY: Reah...
    SHAGGY: I mean look at us!
    SCOOBY: Rear a ress!
    SHAGGY: We sure are! I haven't even lost my virginity yet!
    PAHNTON: ROAR!!!!
    SCOOBY: Rardon me! Rust have reen that chili!
    SHAGGY: RUN SCOOB!!!
    FRED: They're coming! Get the trap ready!
    SCRAPPY: Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em! I'll give him a this and a that
    and a this and a that! That mean old mailman had wished he'd
    never been born!
    FRED: Get the cage ready!
    SCRAPPY: Ta-da-da-DA-ta-DAAAA!!! PUPPY POWER!!!
    [Scully pulls her gun a blows Scrappy away. The cage drops and Shaggy
    and Scooby get out. Unfortunately, the plan fails because Scrappy isn't
    there to close the cage door.]
    SCOOBY: Relp!!!
    MULDER: Scully... why!?
    SCULLY: Do you really have to ask that!? Duh-duh-DUH Puppy
    power! Come on Mulder, the world will be better off without
    him!
    FRED: The Phantom Mailman is chasing them outside!
    [As Scooby and Shaggy yell from the outside, an eerie light fills the
    building. Suddenly, the Phantom mailman begins screaming as the light
    fades!]
    DAPHNIE: Oh my god! Shaggy! Scooby!
    [Outside, Scooby and Shaggy are on the ground shivering covering their
    eyes but unhurt. The mailman isn't so lucky]
    SCULLY: He's been burned!
    DAPHNIE: But who was he?
    SHAGGY: It had to be Coach Hiller! He said that George hadn't been a
    member of the football team even though he had a jersey!
    SCULLY: The most plausible explanation is that this is some homeless
    psychotic killer who burned George for no reason and tried to burn
    Scooby and Shaggy but ended up burning himself.
    MULDER: You're both wrong. It's gotta be cancerman. That black
    lunged son of a bitch!
    THELMA: You're all wrong! The Phantom Mailman is, in fact... [pulls
    mask off]
    ALL: FARMER JOE!?
    JOE: [barely alive] How'd you know?
    THELMA: My first clue was the rag you used to clean my glasses. It was
    in fact an old jock strap... the same kind of jock straps used in
    Coach Hiller's locker room!
    SCULLY: But, that makes it look like Coach Hiller did it!
    THELMA: At first, that's what I thought! Then I spotted an old picture in
    Hiller's office of a young Farmer Joe in football jersey #32. The
    SAME jersey in George's closet!
    FRED: But why did Joe kill George?
    MULDER: Simple Fred, Your uncle George and Joe were obviously gay
    lovers.
    FRED: Oh my, GOD!!!
    MULDER: Joe, rather that be shunned in a small community like this,
    killed George to keep him quite, burning his body to make it look
    like an alien abduction!
    SCOOBY: Rye the Ris-guys?
    MULDER: What the hell did he say?
    SGAGGY: He said, like, why the disguise?
    SCULLY: Joe suffers from an esteem destroying disorder known as
    Goval's Synoptic Failure Syndrome coupled with the fact that he
    was a homicidal in-the-closet homosexual carrying on a
    relationship with the uncle of a famous cartoon character, I'd say
    the pressure just got to him and he had a mental breakdown.
    Wearing the Phantom Mailman costume was the only way to
    regain his self-identity.
    SCOOBY: Rhat the rell did she ray?
    JOE: [dying] And I would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you
    meddling kids!
    SHAGGY: Like, there's just one thing I don't understand.
    ALL: ONE THING?
    SHAGGY: Who burned Joe?
    SCULLY: Didn't you see?
    SHAGGY: Scooby and I were cowering in the grass! We didn't see a
    thing!
    MULDER: Joe? Who burned you?
    JOE: [unable to speak, raises hand and points to the sky. His hand then
    drops to the ground as he dies]
    [LATER...]
    FRED: Thanks for helping to solve the mystery of my uncle's death.
    MULDER: Don't mention it.
    SCULLY: I just hope you can get on with your life.
    FRED: It won't be easy, but at least I have the millions of dollars I
    inherited from my dead gay uncle. And my dog named....
    SCOOBY: Scooby-Scooby-Dooooooo!!!
    [The gang begins to laugh as the Mystery Machine rides off into the
    sunset]
    SCOOBY: Ray, has ranyone seen Rappy?
    [Theme from Dragnet begins to play]
    ANNOUNCER: Fred blew his millions on a hooker in Las Vegas. She
    has yet to be apprehended. Scooby-Doo sued the FBI for the
    wrongful death of Scrappy-Doo. However, after a week of not
    having to her the phrase "splat 'em" he drooped the charges.
    Daphnie was busted a week later by Fox Mulder and Dana Scully
    for possession of Cocaine. Scooby and Shaggy were checked into
    the Betty Boop clinic to get over their Scooby Snack addiction.
    The only thing recovered from the area where Farmer Joe was
    found dead... was a cigarette butt.
    THE END!!!
    Join us next week as Scooby Doo meets the PUNISHER!!! 


End file.
